1 and mostly, I was so achingly sad for this family. These parents, this mother, who has barely left her child’s side since January (or in 8 years practically) . I wondered how could I be so painfully sad for people I don’t even know and the flood of sadness was so extreme it hurt.
2 I felt gratitude. Gratitude for Daniel’s health and success of his treatments and the place he is in today, and with that came a rush of guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel this way ever, but it is a truth when you are around someone not so fortunate. I was ashamed all the same to feel like these parents were robbed somehow. The fairness issue is constant in this awful game.
3 I was scared to death (and if anyone has taken note of my language lately I do not use the words death and dying frivously any longer) that this will be us. Scared that we will be in the exact same place as this family and I was listening to every word and replacing the names I heard with ours. When would it be soon, in 5 years in 8?
It could be our story and I felt sick and sad and angry. I think many feelings were flooding over me and I was just plain overwhelmed by the day. I couldn’t help but feeling very selfish as I sat there during an incredibly beautiful service filled with so much care and love for a grieving family. Although I only met Reid once and didn’t really know him, he sounded like an amazing son, brother, friend and just overall person and even though I heard every single word and I promise you every one resonated with me, I was distracted at the same time and felt myself sitting in the place of his mother and aching for her. Everyone in that room ached for her but I don’t know if anyone could empathize more than me and although I can’t compare and don’t want to, to their realization I sat feeling I was watching my life on a screen. I can’t see her in the front row and I have never met this woman but feel like I have known her my whole life. In some way at this moment I am feeling like I am her and I don’t like it.
Grieving is so personal and painful and no one should be expected to do it in any certain way. I am such a planner and predictor of such things or so I thought. I started to think by late evening that maybe this is not how it has to be for us and that we have our own story. Reid, a writer and a storyteller probably would have encouraged us to go out and write our own story. Not to live his. His story was his story not his to relive. Every story is different and who wants to hear the same one repeated. I am fine with the fact that we are meant to live each day we are given and given the choice(if you are so fortunate) you don’t go down without a fight. Reid Levin put up a helluva fight and left a beautiful story to be told. Looks like we need to get busy writing our story because I don’t see a grieving chapter in our near future.
-Dedicated to the Levin Family