I look at what some people say on Facebook or say sometimes about their kids “oh I wish they would stay this way forever” or “I wish we could freeze time”, "Stop growing up" I always think: What are you saying? If you really thought about the words you were saying , that is an awful thought. I never thought that way. Even when my kids were little I always loved every stage. I loved each phase and each stage as it was happening and I really did look forward to each time that would come. I never wanted to keep them a certain age. I looked forward to the times that would come next and I think that is one of the things I feared most when Daniel was sick was the absolute terror of not getting to have the next memory to make. I was always so crazy, like a mad woman taking pictures when we were doing activities to document them when the boys were growing up. In the back of my head I always thought what if one day? one day someone wasn't here. I wanted to preserve the moment and now I can look back on that. Maybe I had a premonition of something to come that we would need to have those full albums to look back on. I am not sorry I tormented my boys taking all those photos and that I have hundreds if not thousands of photos to pour over now to remember every moment we had at each phase of life. But still I can look back and remember that I always looked forward to the boys they would become, and the teenager conversations we would have, as naive as that may seem ( as if they would want to have conversations with me as teenagers, I never foresaw the cell phone at the time). Even now I am an optomist and I look forward to what our relationships will be as the two of them enter adulthood and go off on their own. I do not want to keep them under my thumb I want to see them grow and flourish. That is my job as a mother, if I am doing it right. I want to be there snapping photographs at every phase of our lives as they evolve, even if those photographs evelve to my memory only. I hope not because as time goes on the memory needs more of a visual aide to solidify it and we need the actual photograph for the future more than ever. So everytime your kid rolls their eyes or makes a face for taking a picture explain that they will not be sorry years later when they have photographs to look at. Honestly as a family we enjoy looking through our albums at all of our memories.
Tonight I went through some of the old pictures on my laptop to make a quick little video of Daniel for his birthday. I tried to pick just a few which was damn near impossible. I didn’t have any baby pictures on my computer so I started with a photo of him holding my face giving me the most loving kiss only a two year old could give his mommy. The most innocent, whole hearted loving kiss in the world there is. When he knows nothing and no-one else exsists but his mother. I then tried to pick some of my favorite moments through the years and highlights. One for every few years over the last 17. I need to breath as I say my baby is turning 17. Funny how most of them involved food. And as the photos went on through the years and Daniel grew I saw him not only grow into those ears but grow into that personality and firmly into his strong character. Now there certainly have been some low points and some highlights over his 17 years that is for sure and can’t I don't know but as much time as I have spent with him (well since birth and not including an extra 9 months of isolation) I have come to know him pretty well. I can say I am sure that he is solidly average in many ways, which comforts me, and exceeds my expectations in areas beyond my belief in so many others. He was forced out of his childhood unfairly and robbed of more than any human ever should know and for that I can never be sorry enough for him. But I could also not be more proud of his resilience and strength. He is without a doubt the most amazing person I know and to call him my son is an honor. So on his birthday I celebrate him and I celebrate his life. I think we should all celebrate our own lives and appreciate what we get to have and get to do with what we are given. It is our choice what we do with our moments. If we accomplish half much as this kid has in his 17 years with his attitude we should all consider ourselves fortunate.
I closed Daniels birthday movie with him giving me another kiss 16 years later on the beach in California where I saw him living a dream of his at a very young age. I hope he will continue to pursue this dream so I can follow him around being his biggest fan (if he will let me). Because instead of him holding me and giving me a kiss with all his heart that is how I feel about him every moment of my life with an intensity so great it hurts. To have come so close to losing him only makes having him here that much more special on this day. In our culture we say ‘too 120’, there were days when that meant the same to me as ‘too tomorrow’ and now on a birthday celebration I can hear someone say those words and almost hear a faint sound of possibility.